Bedraggled Parenting

20130630_181425-1Parenting is a tough, thankless job.

As a young…. ish, childless gay woman who lives alone with her cat, I feel I can really relate to all the lifestyle changes and hard work that new parents face every single day.

I often see mothers exhausted and frustrated from nurturing their offspring that makes me shake my head and think; Surely it doesn’t have to be that hard?

Here are some bedraggled tips I learned from my own life experience and having cared for god-children, nephews and friends children.. up to one or two hours on occasion.. at least.

1. Food bribery works. Kids sad? Won’t co-operate? Having a tantrum in the middle of Sussan’s or Local Liquor?
Give them a lolly. Or some chocolate, a donut, sherbert or a deep fried mars bar.
They’ll shut up, smile, do what they’re told and love you forever. There are absolutely no nasty after-effects because hey, it’s only sugar right?
After this technique is practiced a couple of times a Pavlovian effect will kick in, resulting in your child turning into the perfect salivating angel at the glint of a kinder surprise wrapper. Worked for me when I babysat so why not do it all the time?

2. Play Lego. You’ll be the coolest person in their eyes and it will keep them entertained for hours on end. After a couple of hundred orders at the Lego shop and always getting $5 change, you’ll get into the routine.
I know I would certainly rather be playing Lego than cooking dinner or washing clothes or working, wouldn’t you? It’s what I do when I babysit so why isn’t everyone doing it?

3. Smacking. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t normally condone violence, however I think parents have been doing this punishment wrong.
Imagine your child has just knocked over and cracked your 40″ flat screen tv. You want to smack their bottom but what would that really achieve, other than a short term satisfaction? Instead, look them in the eye and smack your own face. Hard. Your baby will be guilt-ridden, terrified and most importantly, quiet. And isn’t that what all parents want, a nice quiet well behaved child?

Happy parenting.. and keep an eye out for the next SuperNanny.

Starbucks Dickhead Hands

I heard that selfies have evolved and the thing now is to record your sexiness on a video and charm the pants off your chosen one.

Taking inspiration from that Starbucks stud, I shot my very own version and promptly sent it to the lover. Needless to say, she could barely contain her lust and tried to disguise it as laughter.

I hope I’ve shown that you don’t need to be a supermodel to make your own selfie video… you don’t even need to like Drake’s music. Try mixing it up with some Celine Dion or Enya for a more ethereal feel.

Happy face touching!DM x

Use Protection

Today’s blog is all about protecting your head from the elements. Hats keep your melon warm, provide shade from the sun and are, most importantly, a fashion accessory.

As a child I would proudly walk around in my yellow stack hat with one of those spandex type covers that has a brim for your face and a flap for your neck.. but times change and stack hats went out of fashion last season so it was time to see what’s trending in head protection (known widely as skull condoms).

1. The lumberjack.

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In this image, Pjay shows us how to keep snug Canada-style. Favoured by those who enjoy flanelette and other natural fibres, the lumberjack will shield you from the elements and bears, and keep you looking fabulous.

2. The whirly-bird.
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Excess Daggage is a child at heart, and what better way to show her fun side than this carnival-inspired headwear. The propellor keeps her cool while looking cool.

3. The under-over
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Get creative like our resident crafter Cell Block J, and fashion your own unique headdress. Air pockets provide ventilation while the light fabric keeps those deadly rays at bay. Just be sure to use a clean pair unless you enjoy sitting alone.

4. The double-or-nothing
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Extra cautious about UVA? Born in Tasmania? Your brother is your uncle? Put your heads together like Snez and double up on protection. Aint no sneaky sunburning happening on her watch.

Love, pouts & safe sun, Dagglemeister x
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Am I a hipster?

A very disturbing thing happened to me today that I would like to share.

 

I rolled out of bed this morning, momentarily fuelled by two paracetamols and a cup of coffee, already late for work. I threw on whatever mishmash of clothing I had strewn over the girlfriend’s floor last night, ran a hand through my bird’s nest hair, glanced in the mirror and muttered “oh fuck off” to my reflection before getting into my shitbox car and heading to work.

 

 

Now as I sit here, reeking of tequila and $10 schnitzel, I look down at my outfit and am horrified by one thought… Am I a hipster?

 

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My feet are clad in khaki & tartan Airwalks, my faded jeans are ripped at the knee, over my hoodie I’m wearing a pinstripe men’s suit jacket from Vinnies, there’s a chunky scarf nonchalantly thrown round my neck and I have $40 men’s thick framed glasses from specsavers. Add to that my disheveled hair and the cigarette hanging out the corner of my mouth.. I instinctively want to punch myself in the face.

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But after taking stock for the better part of a minute I have come to the conclusion that no… I’m not a hipster.

I’m just poor.
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Now let’s listen to some old vinyl and go cycling through the park.

DM x

Welcome to life under Tony Abbott

Stumbled upon this hard hitting news story on my lunch break, this is just one of the many things we can all look forward to under Tony ABORT. – Enjoy, from excess daggage.

This is the most uninspiring piece of Vegemite toast ever.

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FOUR dollars. Four lousy dollars for these two pieces of dry, lifeless, miserable, scabby toast.
Look at them. Just look at them. If there’s butter anywhere, it’s doing an excellent job of hiding. Perhaps it’s invisible. Perhaps they took the whole “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” thing a bit too literally.

As for the Vegemite, forget it. This stuff is supposed to be a spread. A SPREAD.
And you know what you do with spreads? You spread them, that’s what you do with spreads.
The Vegemite on this toast is not spread. At best it is dabbed. In truth, it is barely there at all. Vegemite should cling to toast like a sailor to a liferaft.

This Vegemite, like Miley Cyrus’s wardrobe (and dignity), is barely there at all.
For the record, this woeful attempt at breakfast was purchased by news.com.au reporter Matt Young from a hipster cafe near our newsroom.

Perhaps this toast is ironic. Perhaps it’s post-postmodern or something.
Perhaps this toast is not, as it appears, a complete BREAKFAST FAIL, but is in fact some sort of incredibly subtle and clever comment on the excesses of consumption in a world whose greed knows no bounds.

Then again, it’s probably just the work of some doofus with a twirly mo who was far too busy chatting up some hot babe to make the world’s simplest item of takeaway food properly.
And right now, this Vegemite vandal is sitting out the back smoking an organic rollie complaining that no one appreciates his boundless talents and whingeing about how he doesn’t get paid enough.

Meanwhile, Matt is hungry. And when Matt is hungry you don’t want to be around Matt.
But that’s a problem, see, because Matt sits in the middle of the newsroom.
Anyway, that’s our sad tale. No it’s not the world’s most important news story, but we bet you’ve had your share of cafe fails too. Or Vegemite toast fails. Feel free to share them with us in the comments below.

Oh, and if you’ve got a spare jar or Vegemite lying around, feel free to pop into the office and share some with Matt. He’d like that. He really would.

Full credit to Matt Young – See full article here: http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/food/this-is-the-most-uninspiring-piece-of-vegemite-toast-ever/story-fneuz8wn-1226732098810

How to: be an asshole

We all know that pissing people off is fun. Sure, we could all just get along, agree with eachother, accept our differences and……….

Sorry, I fell asleep for a minute.

Whether it’s for your own amusement, you want to make a statement or if you just have a few extra friends you’d like to get rid of, follow these easy steps to make sure you’re always the douchebag of the party:

  1. Talk in text speak. If someone tells a joke, don’t laugh- just say LOL.  When saying goodbye, forget the hug or handshake, a “K.Thanx.Bai” will suffice.  Throw in some LMFAO’s, a WTF, a handful of OMG’s and a Totes and you too can look and sound like an illiterate twat.
  2. Tailgate when driving.  How is someone supposed to know that you have somewhere far more important to be unless your front number plate is wedged up their rear like Richard Gere’s gerbil?  Don’t be afraid to flip them the bird and yell something about their mother too.. especially if they are old.
  3. Pay for everything with coins. People who work in retail get bored. Give them something to do by paying for a $20 packet of smokes in 20c pieces. They won’t refuse because you’re cooler than them and that makes them intimidated. Try to have some old gum or other sticky substance on the coins for an extra treat. Bonus points if you come back later to buy some matches with a $50 note.
  4. “That’s what SHE said! “. Use this phrase. Often. Because everyone likes a jokester.
  5. If you’re travelling on a plane, don’t board until your name has been called out over the loudspeaker at least twice. When you do finally saunter on, carry a tall latte and speak loudly on your mobile, say to your non-existent PA on the other end that you can’t believe you have to sit in economy and that you hope you aren’t near any babies, fatties or brown people.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, there are many tried and true methods of getting someone’s goat. Feel free to be creative and freestyle your own douchebaggery.

Just always remember the golden rule: You’re better than them.

Love and punches in the face, Dagglemeister x

Daggle your pets

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If you like to keep up to date with celebrity trends by reading Cleo, Dolly, Women’s  Weekly or New Idea, you’ll be well aware that it is the height of fashion to dress up your small pet.  Now, this doesn’t mean you need to go online to buy your furry child a diamond encrusted choker or tailor-made leopard print onesie from Italy to be in the “It group”… have a look around and you’re sure to have something on hand to bedazzle your beloved Socks/Fido/Chairman Maow.
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In this tutorial, you will learn how to style your poo & vomit machine to make it the envy of the neighborhood.
Firstly, finish cramming your 3am fries into your make-up smeared face. Next, carefully tear some splits along the packet (I used a large container due to the size if my monstrous cat’s head). Now fit the hat snugly over the ears.
Voila! Your pet is now fit to strut Hollywood Boulevard!
Just don’t forget to line your handbag with some newspaper.
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Dagglemeister x